How do you know?

It's a new month and I figured it was the right moment to check back in and give you an update to my job search situation.  Well I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone who've ever looked for a job before but for those that haven't let me give you a little insight...it's hell and it sucks.  On the surface, I can tell you that I'm fine and I'm attempting to enjoy my sabbatical since these moments don't exactly happen all that often and who doesn't like the opportunity to be home, relax, and have the time to cook great meals and go for runs in 50 degree weather.  But if you know anything about me, you know that I'm a girl who likes to have a plan, who isn't patient at all and can even be described as one of those "Type A control freaks" (yes I'm trying to be the most honest version of myself).  So needless to say the time off hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies and it's hard because honestly I couldn't  tell you what I actually wanted to do for a job or career.  I keep thinking, that if I actually knew what I wanted to do or be then it would have hit me by now.  That it would be all I could think about, it's all that I would want to do and would be so blatant that it would pretty much smack me in the face but no such luck.  You spend all of this time thinking to yourself and self-reflecting about what you want to do because you basically have the opportunity to do anything or everything but you just keep coming up blank.  It's hard not to know where you are going or what you are working for and frankly it's scary as anything to try to begin again. You go online and spend all this time searching for jobs on websites and you apply for things that you think will be great and then you a) never hear anything because half of America is looking for a job or b) you're lucky enough to go on interviews but they turn into major busts.  You learn that half of the job postings online are for something completely different from what they sound like and that maybe you made too much money in New York City (even though at the time and in the thick of it you felt pretty underpaid for all that you did) that a new job isn't going to be able to go near that.  Don't get me wrong, I'm more then frustrated and done on the whole process but I'm starting to get amused by everything because what more can you do but laugh at it all? 

So how do you know what you're supposed to do in life or when the right job comes along?  It's not like some set of directions or life plan is going to arrive at your doorstep one day (even though I sure of hell would love some kind of manual right about now).  Sometimes as independent as you think you might be, you want nothing more then for someone to tell you what you should be doing or to push you in the right direction that they can see but you just can't yet.  It feels like you will go through layers and layers of crap and seriously question all of decisions before you finally get to the right moment.  And I guess you will know when it's right like you do when you're buying a melon.  It's just going to be instinctual and from the gut and you're just going to know because all of a sudden it will all make sense and you couldn't think of it to be any other way.  I keep thinking about the fact that Kathryn Stockett, the bestselling author of "The Help"  got over 60 rejections before she was able to publish her book which ended up selling over 5 million copies and becoming an award winning movie.  I guess you just have to be glad that she didn't give up around rejection 15 or 34 or even 59 for that matter.  I guess you just have to keep going as much as it hurts, as crappy as it feels and as much as you just want to throw in the towel and be done with it all because eventually things will turn in the right direction and you'll be on your way to the next great thing just waiting to unfold in front of you.